We all know that poker is rigged – both online and offline. It’s a game where the outcomes are known, but is popular because of the personalities within the competition. Sound familiar? Yes, it’s just like pro wrestling.

A previous post and comments bye GeneMean got me asking myself, “If professional poker players were pro wrestlers, who would they be?”

And because I have no life, and the movies on this flight really suck, and I'm a little drunk, I answered this question.

So here we go…

Mike Matusow – Rowdy Roddy Piper: Pipper was the host of “Piper’s Pit” – a pseudo talk show where he interviewed other rasslers and instigated trouble with verbal attacks. He was a wrestler you loved to hate and would alternate between good and bad guy. Rumor has it that Matusow once cracked coconuts over Johnny Chan’s head.

Johnny Chan – Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka: Snuka was an intimidating physical specimen. It seemed like no one ever wanted to wrestle him, just like no one wants to sit at Chan’s table. Snuka also wore outrageous outfits to the ring – not Versace – but just as hideous as some of the shirts Chan wears. Chan likes to run around his home in leopard print bikini briefs. Jimmy Fucking Snuka.

Doyle Brunson – Ric Flair: He’s known as “the man, the myth, the legend”, won ten world titles, competed at a high level even at an older age, and possesses some solid man-boobs. Which guy am I talking about?

The Crew – Adrian Adonis and Brutus Beefcake: I cracked myself up typing that…

Phil Gordon – Kevin Nash: “Big Sexy” was a 6’10” goofball who kept the crowd entertained despite having no finishing move. One of these days Gordon will finish and get that WSOP bracelet. Nash would have been a great Tiltboy. He, Scott Hall, and the rest of the NWO have put stadiums of wife-beater wearing wrestling fans on tilt with their mic skills.

Chip Reese – Chris Benoit: Benoit was one of the best wrestlers in the world, yet no one knew of him. Same goes for Reese.

Gus Hanson – Matt Hardy: Both are perceived to be maniacs. Hardy took risks in hardcore matches, doing flying leaps off ladders and scaffolding. Hanson will play any two cards aggressively. Hardy has broken a lot of bones. Hanson is supposedly broke.

Mick Foley – Phil Laak: Foley was a schizo wrestler who would flip to his alter-ego “Mankind”. Laak at times seems somewhat normal then annoys the hell out of me when he switches to “Unabomber” mode. Both wore hoodies that probably were washed no more than once a year.

Stuey Ungar – Kerry Von Erich: Von Erich would have gone down as one of the greatest wrestlers of all time if he hadn’t died at a young age. Really, I could have put anyone from the Von Erich clan here – except for papa Fritz, who outlived all of his spawn. I also like Gino Hernandez – another WCCW wrestler who died young.

Anyone I link to on the right side of this blog - Greg Valentine: Valentine’s nickname was “The Hammer” – nuff said.

Phil Hellmuth – Bret Hart: Nicknamed “Excellence of Execution” by himself, Hart, in his online column, still whines about Vince McMahon screwing him over in a match against Shawn Michaels. Nicknamed “The Pokerbrat” by himself, Hellmuth, in his online column, still whines about bad beats he has received. "Phil screwed Phil"

Robert Varkonyi – David Arquette: Yes, that David Arquette. In one of the worst decisions in wrestling history, Arquette won the WCW world title. I don’t know how they let this happen. I’m trying to erase both of these guys from my memory.

TJ Cloutier – Dusty Rhodes: Both traveled the south searching for competition. Could never understand a single word either of them mumbled.

Annie Duke - Leaping Lanny Poffo: He was only in the sport because of his more gifted and more successful older brother. Often times a jobber who didn't do much. Both needed a warm serving of shut the hell up.

Howard Lederer - Randy "Macho Man" Savage: Savage was fun to watch. He mixed up his matches well - at times used brute strength and sometimes showed good technical wrestling ability. Like Lederer, he was excellent doing color commentary. Sponsored by "Slim Jims" - something Lederer, back when he weighed over four clicks, probably ate a lot of.

Antonia Esfandiari – The Great Kabuki: Kabuki defeated his opponent by hiding playing cards in their wrestling trunks and various poker chi tricks. Esfandiari defeats his opponent by spewing a magical green mist into their eyes. Or did I have that backwards?

Dead Money and online fish – SD Jones, Paul Roma, Dino Bravo, Iron Mike Sharpe, Rene Goulet: These are the people who make it all happen. Without them, the “rigged” show would not go on. We salute you.

Greg Raymer - King Kong Bundy: Would. Be. Too. Easy.

Daniel Negreanu – Owen Hart: Both Canadians with superior technical skills. Negreanu hasn't won much in the past year. So just like Hart, his career has taken a bit of a fall

Phil Ivey - The Undertaker: The Undertaker was nicknamed “The Phenom” – he won several world titles at a young age when he burst upon the wrestling scene. The Undertaker was really creepy - doing freaky shit with his eyes. Ivey has been known to choke slam opponents across the poker table during heads up play. OK, I made that up.