Because I visited Barcelona last summer and jammed in trips to all the major landmarks, I thought that this stay might mean "experiencing shit" more than "seeing shit." How right I was...

It turned out that this weekend was the feast of La Merce. All stores were closed - only bars and restaurants remained open. Locals filled the streets and plazas, drinking beer/wine and listening to music. It was so crowded that even the shadiest portions of Les Rambles were safe to walk at 5am.

I found a problem with Barcelona women. Well, it's more my problem than anything. I couldn't even being to guesstimate how old most of the hot ladies were. They could have been anywhere from 12 to 37. Amazing.

Speaking of young ones. I don't think I've ever seen so many drunk 9 and 10 year olds in my
life.

The first night, my translator Waldemar, who has a minor in Spanish and studied in Spain not so long ago had these two conversations.

About a restaurant...
Me: The name of the restaurant is El Cangrejo Loco
W: Ah, the Crazy Rabbit
Me: Um, then why does it have a crab on the business card
W: Shit, I always get those two animals confused
Me: My life is in your hands this weekend and you don't know the fucking difference between a crab and rabbit?!?!

About a potential trip to Sitges
W: These girls are talking about going to Sitges one day. When I told my roommate, she said "Oh, the gay beach"
Me: Um, let's look it up in Frommer's...
It says, "You'll be hard-pressed to find a straight bar here"
W: Ouch. A gay mecca, eh?
Me: Sounds like Big Gay Al's without the animation.

We went bar and plaza hopping every night, and didn't go to bed before 6am. Friday night, the night I almost died, we went to a big park where the Belgian band "Viva la Fete" performed. The lead singer was a freakin' hottie. From what I can remember, at least. That's because I learned about the Barcelona barter economy.

We found people willing to exchange a hash joint for a cigarette. This transaction happened three times. Hurt me.

My time was a blur. Most of the time that I was awake was actually when it was dark out. I slept until 2ish most days, but was still able to be somewhat productive. I wandered around streets I had never seen before, and even made it to the Parc Guell. It's a Gaudi park that I didn't get to see last year. It was a steep walk up a hill and my legs are still killing me.

The highlight of the trip however had to be Friday night (same night I almost died). We met up with some Danes and other Americans to see a parade of "Fire Breathing Dragons." We had no idea what to expect.

Then we heard loud firecrackers and saw a lot of light.

A fire breathing dragon was an amusement park costume worn by a single person. Attached to the dragon's mouth was a contraption that held many big-ass sparklers. The sparklers sprayed streams of flame about fifteen feet. Sounds like something fun to watch, right?

Well, it's something you didn't really watched, as much as you ran and hid (if you were me). The dragons would come right at you and try to hit you with their flames. And the locals loved it. They actually danced inside the fire. The dragons were spread out by maybe a hundred yards. But between the dragons were men with sticks that had the fireworks attached to them. Just insane. It was like a freakin' war zone.

Some pics...



So I'm in Heidelberg right now, waiting for my room to be ready. If any of my ramblings don't make sense, I'm sorry. I've only been awake for 26 hours. I also apologize for any words where I used a y instead of a z. Stupid German keyboard...

Coming soon, Absinthe night...

• I'm finally in Barthelona. Within fifteen minutes at the airport, I saw at least ten unattainable, smokin-hot women. I may never leave...
• Remember how in my last post I wrote that it was beginning to look a lot like football season? Well, another reminder is the kick in the junk Scurvy gave me this week in our fantasy league. He needed just three points on Monday night - and my team was done for the weekend. It's not a good feeling watching your opponent's player slowly, but surely, bring victory to the other side.
• Another bad feeling? Being 0-2 and liking your team. I have Kerry Collins and Carson Palmer and will start investigating trades to upgrade my WR's. Freakin' Jevon Walker.
• How's a team named "Nuc Plant Nipples" in first place?
• Before my flight yesterday I made a ticket exchange for a New Year's trip to Napa Valley. In the ticketing office an angry French woman was trying to get cash for a ticket that another airline booked for her. When she wouldn't get her way, she started screaming "I hate America" and "This is why we all hate America" and then started mentioning her wish for more "bombings" here. I almost got up and beat the shit out of her. I have no idea how the agent remained so calm. At the very least I woulda had her put in the slammer for using the "B" word.
• Gonna take a siesta then grab some paella with Waldemar. WHITE SOX SUCK!

Despite having fifty fantasy teams and placed bets on half a dozen week one games, things felt a little off. I wasn't too excited about the football season. No one could get me energized. Not the Boo-yah sports network. Not the local sports radio shows.

Until yesterday.

And it's not just because the Bears blew out the Lions at home.

I skipped the home preseason games, and as a result didn't feel the season change from "Cubs are out of the playoff chase" to "Bears might win 8 games." It was on the walk from the train stop to Soldier Field that I figured out what was causing my football indifference.

I hadn't been exposed to any Superfans nine months!

Some of you might remember the old Saturday Night Live "Bill Swerski's Superfan" skits. George Wendt and Chris Farley were usually among a group of rib and sausage eating, jersey wearing, beer chugging, heart attack having slobs who worshipped "Da Bearsssss" and Mike Ditka. With their Chicago accents (yes, I have one and am proud of it), they debated the outcome of Bears games, Ditka versus a hurricane, and mini-Bears and mini-Ditka versus the Giants.

Well, these people really do exist in Chicago. And they make me chuckle inside (sometimes outside). And like a football sized pill of Viagra, their mere presence brought back my pigskin hard-on.

So with you, my dear reader, I share week one of "Superfan Cam."

"Ditka 84, Bengals negative 9"



"Get me two-tree more of dem beerssssss"



I have no idea what to type here without being completely vicious




"Hey! I just saw tree guyz from streetsss and san over by there!"



"Get me two o' dem braaatssss wouldja?"


"Maaaaaaa"



"I ain't had a hard attack in four yearssssss"



"I gotta get home and see dat replay on the Tobeesha"


Many thanks to the Swerski family for making this possible.

Don't say I never did anythinig for ya. Enjoy!

Because I'm going to be gone for a week and a half, I thought I'd take the wife out for dinner and a movie. I plan on kissing ass all the way up until my flight for Barcelona departs.

We kicked off the night by having ribs at the Fireplace Inn in Old Town. Because I was in kiss-ass mode, I didn't ask the waiter "How much for just one rib???"

We walked into the Piper's Alley theater, where our film was playing. Just inside the entrance was a table with movie posters. You could select from hundreds of posters, and purchase one for five measly dollars. AND the money went to the Red Cross for hurricane Katrina relief.

There was one guy who took his poster to the ticket taker and said, "I'd like to buy this poster. How much is it?" The ticket taker said, "It's a $5 donation to the Red Cross for Katrina relief." The guy then said, "I'd pay the $5, but don't want it going to that cause." He threw the poster back onto the table and stormed out.

What the fuck??? So he wouldn't have cared if it went into Loews' coffers or into a shady employee's pocket? And what's wrong with giving money to people who need the assistance?

Anyway, the movie we walked into was "The Aristocrats." If you haven't heard, this is a movie produced by Penn Jillette (of Penn and Teller), documenting the history and various ways that comedians have told a joke. The only rules are that the joke begins with a guy walking into a talent agency and ends with the punchline "The Aristocrats!"

The content in-between is where it is clever, crude, crazy, and cunt-filled. There, I typed it. Cunt. Cunt. Cunt. Cunt. Cunt. If you couldn't handle that, then don't see the movie. If you're easily offended by tales of fisting, incest, beastiality, and numerous bodily fluids, don't see the movie.

But I have a feeling anyone reading this here drivel is the type of person who would like "The Aristocrats." I don't think that I've laughed as intensely in a theater since seeing "There's Something About Mary." My personal highlights were the stories told by Sarah Silverman (she who sucks Jimmy Kimmel's cock), Bob Saget (Uncle Jesse's gay lover), and Gilbert Gottfreid. My only wish was that they had more footage of Chris Rock.

I'm now working on my own version of the joke. Stay tuned...

I'm back! It's been a crazy couple weeks. Lots of work, lots of travel (Cincinnati, NYC, Philly - 3 times, DC), lots of boozin. It seems like my friends are all alcoholic procrastinators, waiting until the end of summer to jam in all the good times. So if anyone is still reading this here blog, I'll give a quick summary of what's been going on.

Jury Duty
I was the 4th juror selected for a trial that lasted three days. Numerous efforts were made to stay off the jury. I told the attorneys how my wife is an attorney. No luck. I told the attorneys about my previous arrest and court appearance. No luck. I didn't lie about anything, but made sure to mention anything that the attorneys would question.

The plaintiff in the case was a 14 year old girl, who two years ago was involved in a car accident. The defendant was driving through a school zone, and the girl walked into her car and broke her ankle. The girl didn't look both ways, but this occured in a crosswalk. The mother was negligent by blocking the driving lane, and numerous other things, but we were instructed by the judge not to take this into account.

The plaintiff wanted $100K for pain and suffering and loss of a normal life (while she was in a cast).

The defendant's attorney was a bad mofo. If I ever get arrested again, I'm going to have him represent me. He tore apart the testimony of both the mother and girl. He pointed out the shady things the plaintiff's attorney did to imply things that weren't testimony/evidence. It was a thing of beauty.

The jury duty was a melting pot - Indians, Mexicans, Asians, Crackers, African-Americans. This big doofus wanted to be the foreman. But I was the Karl fucking Rove of the jury. The foreman talked a lot, but I moved the jury to action. I drew the accident scene on the board. I crunched numbers. I decided when we voted. I also made fun of the foreman when he was in the bathroom. He took a LOUD THREE MINUTE PISS! Yes, everyone in the deliberation room could hear him.

When all was said and done, we gave the girl $25K. Half of that will probably need to go back to her insurance company to cover medical costs. Her attorney will get a small chunk (my goal), and she'll have a few thousand dollars. It was a long three days, and actually made me miss work. A little.

Cubs Game
I sat in the Wrigley bleachers the day Ryne Sandberg's number was retired. It was a great moment. Andre Dawson pulled #23 up the flagpole. Because of the ceremony, we got to the park three hours before it started, to ensure good seats. Of course, that's when we got our drink on. Seven hours of drinking in the sun. Hurt me.


One amusing event was when Lumpy challenged a fourteen year old boy to a cotton candy eating contest. Everyone in centerfield stood up to watch this. Ushers took side bets. Not Usher. Ushers.


The kid won, and made about $80. People in the stands kept handing his mom cash after the victory. Can't beat fun at the old ballpark.

After the game the wife and I went to the Jack Johnson concert. More boozin' there. I'm not the biggest Jack Johnson fan in the world, and was enjoying the show. Until. The kick in the junk. Jimmy Fucking Buffet joined him for the encore. I might have been the only person in the crowd who screamed, "Are you fucking kidding me???"

Cincinnati
We spent Labor Day weekend in Cincy and enjoyed their Sunday night fireworks from a friend's boat on the Ohio River. I generally think fireworks are overrated (unless lighting them yourself), but it might have been the best fireworks show I've witnessed. Speaking of which, I bought a lot of loud stuff in Indiana on the way home (things that explode are illegal in Illinois - unless you're talking about Oprah's weight).

In Cincinnati, I made two discoveries.
1. Nick Lachey is a little pansy - He was at a nightclub promoting some loser 98degree guy for mayor of Cincy. (Yes, a boy band member in politics. The apocalypse is upon us.) I don't think he's any taller than 5'6". Mrs DP lost track of how many times I said, "I could totally kick his ass."
2. Skyline Chili has made my list of top 5 drunk foods - Coneys. Wow. That is some good stuff. I also had one of their burritos. I need to go back there. I also need to figure out what the rest of my top drunk foods are.

Bachelor Party
I'm not allowed to talk about that.

Another work malaprop
Did you see the Agassi-Federline match?

New Orleans
I don't know what to say. I've had so many good times in that city: Mardi Gras (twice), French Quarter Festival, Jazz Fest, New Year's Eve, business trips. I'm proud to say that I've vomited on Bourbon street - and didn't break stride while doing it. I'm gonna stop now, as it's kind of getting dusty in here...

Upcoming
Next Wednesday I head to Barcelona. I freakin' love that town. From there it's off to Heidelberg, Germany and then finally Munich for Oktoberfest. Third time in four years. Expect drunken posts and photos.

Off to purchase my lederhosen...

Been hella busy with work and weekend activities. Gonna do a decent post in a few days.

Two malaprops from the office this week

• "This is where we're going to put the customer sex (success) stories"
• "I could not find the document suppository (repository)"