I’m still staring at the number.

267.

No, that’s not my weight. But it might as well be, because seeing that number makes me think that I’m going to have a heart attack in the next three weeks.

No, that number represents my cholesterol.

2 Fucking 6 Fucking 7.

Two weeks ago, I took blood and urine tests for life insurance purposes. The results arrived yesterday. After checking the VD results, and preparing the obligatory “I’m clean” joke for Mrs. DP, I saw the magic number: 267. I’m (only) 31 years old. Ouch.

I know that part of the reason for the high cholesterol is the high protein diet I’ve been on for the past six weeks – an effort to put on some muscle. I go to the gym 5-6 times per week, and play full-court basketball on three of those days. Shouldn’t that number be a little bit lower than 267? I’m getting all the exercise my schedule permits. Because of that, and a family history of heart disease (both sides), I’m very concerned.

It’s time to change the diet. Being a (kinda) good Catholic, I needed to make a Lenten promise anyway. For the next forty days, I’m giving up red meat (except for the two weddings I am attending that will likely be serving beef). And just because I’m a Ben Franklin fan-boy, I’ll be eating an apple a day. Shit, I'll even add french fries to make it a trifecta.

Three months from now I’ll see my general practitioner. Hopefully my cholesterol will be within or closer to the normal range.

267.

Fuck.

[Update: LDL - 161, HDL - 57, CHOL/HDL ratio - 4.7]

One of the reasons that I couldn’t watch the Olympics, and don’t see myself watching the World Baseball Classic is because the enthusiasm for those events seem manufactured. The networks that televise those events keep trying to tell me that I have to see these “important” broadcasts. But I just can’t bring myself to do as they say, and change the channel. It’s frustrating when people tell me to get excited about a game – usually I’ll go the opposite way.

Then there was the story of Jason McElwain. While in bed late last night, there was an ESPN (the link is from 60 minutes) segment on this autistic boy’s first and only appearance in a high school basketball game. I might have shed a tear. Or two.

There was no hype before this game. Just geniune enthusiasm. Thanks, Jason McElwain, for the innocent and encouraging story - and a reminder of why I love sports.

So check out Pauly's latest edition of Truckin' - it has some great works by the Human Head, Otis, Al, Jaxia, and the good Doc himself.

Go.

Now.

My NLHE SNG and MTT games need some work. So I've devised a way to improve both (hopefully).

I've set aside $120 in my Full Tilt account. This is enough to play at least 20 Tier One sit and goes, in which the top four receive $26 satellite tokens, and fifth place gets $4. I'm going to play these SNG's until the $120 (and any fifth place earnings) is gone, then move on to playing MTT play.

I'm not sure which MTT events I'll play. But thus far I'm 2 for 2 in earning tokens. Let's hope this keeps up, and I get to improve both types of tourneys.

Isiah was an idiot for adding Jalen Rose to the Knicks. Now he traded for Steve Francis!

Let me get this straight.

Steve Francis, Jamal Crawford, Jalen Rose, and Stephon Marbury.

One ball.

I can't wait to see these guys play "together."

Unless Zeke trades AT LEAST one of his gunners, this might be one of the worst transactions in basketball history. Right behind making Jon Koncak the first millionaire in the NBA.

(I forgot to mention that the Knicks also have Nate Robinson and Q Richardson - all of whom need to operate with the ball!)

March Madness. It’s just around the corner. From 1998-2005, I spent opening weekend of the NCAA tourney camped out in Las Vegas sportsbooks. With multiple games on at once, comped beverages, and legalized gambooling, there is no better venue for enjoying the first round of games. It was always a treat hearing a different half of the room cheer with each basket made. Also entertaining was watching a college kids celebrate after winning a $15 bets, while some jewelry covered, tight-shirt wearing greaseballs lost $3000 on the same game.

But this year is going to be different. I won’t be in Vegas. My March is already hectic, and an additional weekend on the road isn't appealing. I don’t know that I’m really going to miss watching the tourney games. A lot of it is from a feeling I had while Illinois made its run to the championship game last year. It’s an opinion that solidified as I watched basketball almost every day for the last two months.

College basketball is starting to become unwatchable. Just a few reasons why (for now)…

The 3 point line: This is what bugs me the most. That line is too damn close. When I can hit that shot with some regularity, you know that there’s a problem. Some people complain that the NBA game is just pick and roll. But the college game is turning into drive and kick-out to the three point line. How is that much better? It has turned into a three point shooting contest – the team that hits the most threes wins the game. So many games have 30+ shot attempts from beyond the arc – it's just brutal to watch. The NCAA should move the arc to at least the international distance. Perhaps teams wouldn’t jack up as many threes, and players who can really hit long distance shot will be rewarded.

The players: There are some really bad college players. Perhaps that’s what I get for watching WAC and PAC-10 games at midnight, or the occasional Horizon League/Conference USA game. If I don’t have a team to root for in a game, I at least like to be entertained. And if the team’s playing style (see the 3 point shooting section above) doesn’t do it for me, I hope for great individual performances. I know that some love the college game because you get to see players with no pro potential (usually crackers) play hard. You know what they call these players? BAD.

The TV analysts: Most NCAA analysts are ex-college coaches. Because they might want to go back to coaching, rarely will you ever hear an analyst criticize a coach or player. All players and coaches are “great.” The exception to this is Steve Lavin, who would probably be coaching right now if he really wanted to be. You always seem to learn something from him, whether it’s about the history of college ball, or where the shooting guard should have been on a certain play. Why couldn’t Charles Barkley, Kenny Smith, and Ernie Johnson do analysis of every basketball game? (I need to do a separate post on why I love that studio show.)

Perhaps it’s just a bad year for college basketball. Maybe next season will be better as the NBA minimum age requirement really will have an effect on who plays in the NCAA (see Oden, Greg).

Sportsbooks will still be in Vegas in 2007. Hopefully there will be a reason for me to be there too.

Goddamm, I love that it's time to start talking baseball...

Today’s Chicagosports.com poll asked, “Will Juan Pierre have the same effect on the Cubs that Scott Podsednik had on the Sox?”

Huh?

I’m not so sure I want Pierre to have a Podsednik-like effect.

Scott Podsednik is an awful ball player. He isn’t very good defensively, has no arm and rarely hits the ball out of the infield. He steals bases. So what?

Steals are overrated. Let’s take a look at how “Ozzie Ball” actually cost the White Sox some runs last year. I just went to ESPN.com and found the White Sox rankings (relative to other AL teams):
9th out 14 in runs scored
4th in home runs
3rd in steals
1st in caught stealing
11th in stealing percentage

Does it seem strange to you that the “run-producing” offense was in the bottom half of teams in runs scored, but at the top in home runs? They had a lot of stolen bases, but were also caught the most. So what does this mean?

The stolen bases were not worth the risk. The Sox could have scored more runs had Ozzie not gone steal-crazy with players who were not great base stealers.

Podsednik had a 72% success rate last year, and Pierre 78%. With Derrek Lee and Aramis Ramirez behind him, Pierre should exercise good judgment with his stolen base attempts. Where his speed should be used is in going home on doubles and taking an extra base on singles to right.

Last year Podsednik was 68th in runs scored, while Pierre was 32nd.

I don’t want Pierre to have the same effect on the Cubs as Podsednik last year.

Why set the bar that low?

Peeps, two things before I begin my solo happy hour binge...

• Dr Pauly is live blogging the L.A. Poker Classic. The Doc is a fellow Jessica Alba professional crazed fan and one of the first to link this blog up. Click on the link to the right and show him some love.


• Sign up for the Donkeys Always Draw Invitational:
  DADIII – Heads Up Championship – Friday, February 17, 2006 – 9 PM EST
  PokerStars – Private tourney tab – Password: blogsaregay

Motivated by a decent workout and talk of fruit with April, I was in the mood for a smoothie. I knew that we didn’t have any milk at home, and stopped at the convenience store for a half gallon. I grabbed the milk and some Starburst then made my way to the register to pay for my purchase.

The cashier was a woman in her sixties – my guess Polish. After she scanned the Starburst, I was stunned by a sight behind the counter.

Could it be?

Is that her?

Holy shit it was.

Jessica Alba was on the cover of Playboy.

And I needed to buy it.

I just didn’t know if the transaction should include someone’s grandmother.

The woman scanned the milk. Then I decided to make my move. I pointed behind the counter and mumbled “Playboy.” She said, “Huh?” and raised her hands next to her shoulders. Fucking shit, she didn’t speak English.

So I pointed directly at the magazine. And she grabbed a bottle of Crown Royal.

“No, no, no!” I moved four feet to my right, and had my index finger five feet away from the magazine rack.

She gave me a disapproving look, and grabbed a magazine. No, of course not my Playboy – it was Swank.

I corrected her again, this time waving my finger from left to right. She finally got it right.

The whole ride home, I couldn’t wait to tear open the plastic and jump to whatever page Alba was on. I wondered what types of poses she would be in. Would there be costume changes? Was she, well, you know...

I got home and started paging through the magazine. Screw the articles, I wanted to see Jessica nude. Then there she was – on page 118.

Clothed.

What the fuck?

While at 7-Eleven, I was too excited to bother looking at the title on the cover: “25 Sexiest Celebrities.” I just assumed that, as is usually the case, the cover girl would show at least some areola. Instead, it was five pages of celebrities in clothing.

So let that be a lesson to you all.

Pay attention to the packaging. It’s far better to leave the store empty-handed, than to be left at home empty-handed.

There are many activities that can be deemed –EV. Among them are chasing inside straight draws, eating the mystery meat at the office cafeteria, and buttery nipple shots. Tonight, I took part in one.

Basketball against a girl. No matter what you do, the guys at the gym will give you a hard time.

While waiting on the sidelines for the current game to finish, we noticed one team had a girl. She hit quite a few open jump shots, layups, and played solid team defense. Her team won the game, all because the guy who was “covering” her showed a total lack of interest in defending a girl. Pathetic. From the sidelines we cheered her on every time she sank a bucket, and harassed her defender with equal volume.

I wasn’t about to let that happen the next game. It was my turn to guard her. I posted her up, even using the ol’ lefty hook. I stole the ball from her. Every time I did this, the guys on the sidelines booed me. But she actually thanked me for not taking it easy on her.

On one of the final plays of the game, she went in for a layup. I released a barbaric yawp and swatted that shit halfway down the court. While the guys on the sidelines jeered, I jumped up and down and waved my arms like Chong Li after breaking Ray Jackson’s leg in Bloodsport.



That’s right. I’m a bad muthafucka.

I know what you’re wondering right now. Yes, she was cute.

~

I'd like to thank the Olympics for removing NBC from my television rotation. Now I'm able to watch even more college basketball and pro basketball.

It's a new era in college hoops. It's the "White Guys Can Actually Play" era. I can actually put together an all cracker team that would do serious damage.
F: Tyler Hansbrough (UNC)
F: Adam Morrison (Gonzaga)
G: JJ Redick (Duke)
G: Gerry McNamara (Syracuse)
C: Kevin Pittsnogle (West Virginia)
Bench: James Augustine (Illinois), Mike Gansey (West Virginia)

Yeah, this is the kind of shit I think about in my free time.

Hey you.

Yeah, I'm talking to you.

I know you have a competitive streak in you. If you read this blog, it's likely that you're a poker player. Your competitive streak could have begun in little league baseball, basketball in the driveway, or at the bowling alley.

Or you could be a geek like me.

I never played sports for my high school. I played a lot of pickup basketball and fast pitch baseball with my friends. But there's one team that I did join in high school.

The chess team. Yeah, while some kids were passing the joint, I was saying "En Passant."

And I've found out that I'm not the only one.

So here's what I want to do.

My online poker game has been off lately - and it sounds like others are finding the same. Peeps are trying games like Razz, O8, and Triple Draw.

Let's mix it up a little more - change speeds.

How about a chess tournament?

I propose $10 per person, winner take all, with games played at Yahoo Chess. Likely an hour time limit.

If you're interested, drop me a comment or email me. I'll make this happen.

The Super Bowl

Last night’s Super Bowl was atrocious - too many mistakes made by both teams and the referees. I’m not going to say that the referees took the game away from the Seahawks, but they sure did make Seattle pay for not making big plays.

I can see how the referees could have made the offensive pass interference call on Jackson and allowed Roethlisberger’s touchdown - if they were more decisive in doing so! Jackson was called for pushing off only after Hope complained. And Big Ben’s touchdown looked like it was going to be spotted short of the goal line, when for some unknown reason (perhaps Roethlisberger’s second effort after he was DOWN), the ref called a touchdown. If the refs had made the calls immediately, then I wouldn’t have a problem. But they were wishy-washy, and now give Seattle fans a reason to be bitter at someone other than Holmgren and Hasselbeck.

The holding call and illegal blocking (on Hasselbeck) were botched calls. No excuses for those.

Some questions:

• Am I the only one who hates gadget plays? They really annoy me. Perhaps it’s because bad teams that need to resort to trickery typically run them. I understand that Pittsburgh does it because they’re making use of their multi-dimensional players – but it just doesn’t seem like real football to me.


• Why didn’t Alexander get the ball more? He was the league’s friggen MVP.


• Is Jerome Bettis from Detroit?


• Did anyone watch the Jimmy Kimmel show later in the evening? Was that really Eminem he played basketball with? It looked like Eminem (circa 2002) plus fifty pounds.

~

Illini Hoops

(Friday night)
Me: The Illini aren’t very good
Z: They’ll be in the elite eight
Me: No, they won’t. If Augustine or Brown have a bad night, do you trust McBride, Frazier, or Randle? They lost to a terrible Indiana team and almost lost to Wichita State

The Illini basketball team lost to Penn State the following night. Awful. How did they lose to the worst team in the Big Ten? Easy. They’re not a good team themselves. And it all begins with Dee Brown.

I’ve never been a fan of Brown’s game. In the fast break, he misses too many layups. He has no left hand. He doesn’t use his quickness and drive to the basket the half court set. Think of all the fouls he could draw and the open shots his teammates could get. His shot selection is awful – I’ve lost count of how many jumpers he’s put up from three feet beyond the arc off of one foot. He’s a streaky player who will go for 25 one night, and 8 the next. That’s not what the Sporting News National Player of the Year does. That’s what the first player off the bench does. The Sporting News National Player of the Year does not let his team lose to Penn State at home - especially when they wre up sixteen points.

This is my drunken post using Bill's theme. That's what I get for downloading porn and playing poker at the same time...

David flipped over his full house, and knew that this was the hand that would seal the deal. It was a monster hand, and Michelle was pot committed. Michelle mucked her flush, and took off all the clothing she had left.

The game was No-Limit Strip Hold’em – the Cadillac of hornball poker. For two hours, David and Michelle did battle heads up. Three hours ago, they were nearing the end of their first date – a movie and drinks at a nearby wine bar. Then David brought up his upcoming trip to Vegas, and Michelle mentioned her addiction to poker. The next thing they knew, the cards and clothing were in the air.

David sat on the futon with a grin on his face. Within a few minutes he was banging Michelle, screaming things like, “How’d you like me to flop my nuts in your face?” and “I’m on the button – all night baby!” and “How’d you like this back door straight draw?”

The problem was, regardless of whatever positions they tried David couldn’t finish. Apparently, Michelle was much better playing poker than she was in the sack. Finally, Michelle offered to help David along in other ways. She tried everything. When even the Rusty Trombone didn’t work, David asked her to leave.

Expect nothing from a hand – a made poker hand, nor a woman’s.

Except for blue balls.

The Knicks just traded Antonio Davis for Jalen Rose.

They now have Jalen Rose, Jamal Crawford, and Stephon Marbury.

Three gunners.

On the same team.

Is it possible for a team to have three players jacking up twenty shots apiece and score only seventy points a game? We shall see...