Rather than join me here, Tyrese has decided to start his own blog.

You can now read his ramblings at Adventures of a Guitar Hero.

Sweet Jebus.

Tomorrow I leave for a two week voyage to Asia. One week in Tokyo, followed by another week in Singapore. It’s an eighteen hour flight to Tokyo. I’ll get drunk and tilt myself by naming characters from television shows from the 80’s and 90’s. And get really, really drunk. Really drunk. Perhaps I’ll watch the first three seasons of the Office en route as well. I’ve never been to Tokyo, so if anyone has any recommendations, I’m all ears. I’ll spend next weekend there, so there’s plenty of time to fuck around.

Fuck. I’m already on tilt thinking about all the football games I’ll be missing. But at least I won’t be losing money on the games I won’t be watching. Perhaps if I’m jetlagged, I’ll join some of the Battle of the Bloggers events.

I’ve jammed all two weeks worth of clothing into one carry-on rollaboard. And I anticipate that I’ll be able to carry-on on the way back to the U.S. – even after purchasing lots of ninja stars, samurai swords, and Hello Kitty backpacks. I hate checking in luggage. Whenever I travel somewhere new and plan on purchasing souvenirs, I pack old white t-shirts to use as undershirts and bring soon-to-be-thrown-out running shoes. So you know old Ren and Stimpy and Beavis and Butthead shirts and anything with fraternity letters? Those get packed and thrown out after they’re worn overseas. Same with old sneakers. I once left half a suitcase of clothing in Munich. On the return trip, it was full of mugs that I stole from Oktoberfest.

If this trip were seven years ago, I wouldn’t be as bummed as I am right now. I’m sure that I’ll find ways to have fun and experience things I never had before. However, this is going to be the longest that I’ve ever been away from the wife and child. Oh, and I’m missing my wedding anniversary. Yeah, if I don’t come back with a phat present for Mrs DP, I’m in big trouble. I’m sure she hasn’t forgotten last year's anniversary.

I promised her that I'm not gonna hook up with Scarlett Johansson while I'm in Tokyo. But we'll see what happens if she shows up in my hotel room in her pink panties...

Type at ya’ll from Tokyo.

RaingCayne made a comment that gives me something to do on my flight back from Miami. So here, my dear readers, are all the "90210" characters I could remember:

Brenda
Brandon
Jim
Cindy
Dylan
Jack (He also played the dad on the "Hogan Family")
Kelly
Jackie
Steve
David (Just saw a rerun over the weekend with him dancing. Priceless)
Mel
Donna
Ray (How do you talk to an angel?)
Nat
Ahhhhndrea
Jesse (Saw him on the el a few years ago)
Matt (Now on "Dirty Sexy Money")
Noah
Gina (Gotdammmmm I've always loved Vanessa Marcil.)
Valerie (I once had a dream that she showed up on my doorstep with a package of diapers. Naked.)
Stewey Carson (I only remember him because he works at the same Hollyweird bar as my buddy)
Jake (Spun off into "Melrose Place")
Claire (Brandon shoulda banged her)
Chancellor Arnold
John Sears
Scott (This one I almost forgot about. He lasted just a few episodes, because he shot himself in the head)
Emily Valentine
Mrs Teasly (The only black chick on the show)
DeShaun (The only black dude on the show - I only remembered him after typing the comment nexst to Mrs Teasly)

The characters I can't remember, but am not tilted by not remembering:

• The hot professor's wife that Brandon used to bang


• Steve's dad (Something like Chug Sanders - but that's not it)


• Steve's fat friend from the KEG house (Something like Chug Fatty, but that's not it)


• Steve's wife (Whose Japanese parents didn't approve of their marriage)


• The recording studio slut who David got caught in the limo with


• Dylan's sister


• Kelly's dad (Who also played Sean Donnelly on General Hospital)

Semi-tilted by not remembering:

• The hot model-looking brunette with the full lips Steve was on-again-off-again with


• Noxzema girl's name, you know, before she got shot by her dad's henchmen


• Hilary Swank's character

So who else am I missing?

Rather than pay attention to the deposition that was in progress in our Miami office, I pretended to look busy by crunching some numbers that were collected from my daily journal. It really is amazing how much my activities change as the seasons do.




When you're done analyzing the graph, please welcome my brother, Tyrese, who will now begin contributing to this here wonder-blog.

They really need to start putting WiFi on all flights. I'm in serious need of access to IMDB. Bored and not interested in working, I put myself on tilt by trying to remember the names of the key characters from "Party of Five."

Charlie.

Bailey.

Julia.

Kirsten.

Claudia.

Owen.

But what the fuck was the name of Jennifer Love Hewitt's character? I can remember Owen, who was a baby and toddler the entire series. But I can't remember the name of JLH's character? So I'm sitting here picturing her sweet boobies, struggling to remember her name.

As soon as the plane lands, I'm cranking up the Blackberry to look this shit up.

~

Character name found. I can now go on living.

Am I the only person who thinks that the Football Night in America theme song sounds like the strip club song from Rounders?

This morning I made a trip to the grocery store to pick up three bags of ice and six gallons of distilled water. These are supplies for my next brew.

As I was checking out, the cashier, a woman in her fifties asked, "Why in the world would you pay for bottled water? And why so much? Are you going to use the ice to chill the bottled water?"

I thought about asking her why the fuck she should care. After all, thirty cents from this transaction will go towards her paycheck so that she can fund her subscription to TV Guide.

Instead, I said, "I just got out of Bible study half an hour ago, where we focused on the book of Revelation. The end is near. I'm going to Home Depot next to purchase a flashlight and some rubber gloves."

I paid for my items and told her to keep the $2.47 in change.

Fuck you, Gladys.

Somebody is gonna make some sick cash this week. And hopefully it's Uncle Bracelet and me. The Bracelet and I agreed on a whopping 11 picks. How you use this expert knowledge is up to you...

Redskins -8.5
Saints -8
Ravens -3
Patriots -16
Giants -9
Lions -2
Chiefs +3
Eagles -5.5
Seahawks -8.5
Steelers -3.5
Colts -3

I'm in a contest with D-Listers Garthmeister and JoeSpeaker - it's just the three of us right now. Sign up by clicking the image below!

Here's how wide awake and bored I am...

I watched both Desperate Housewives and Brothers and Sisters on ABC.com's video streams. It gets worse.

Then I signed up for NFL.com's Field Pass so that I can listen to the Giants-Falcons game. I selected the Falcons radio broadcast. It's just painful.

All this at 4AM.

I'm looking forward to halftime, so that I can place a second half wager.

[Update] Took the Giants -2.5

This post brought to you 35,000 in the air, en route to Frankfurt, Germany. Two glasses of champagne, and three glasses of the Taurus Robie 2004 Toro (Tempranillo), this could be an interesting flight.
~
First off, how about them m-fing Bears? Way to stop the run. Way to run the ball. Way to put pressure on the passer. Great game. You guys should be proud.
~
I spent the minutes before takeoff refreshing my Blackberry’s browser. Yeah, I wanted to see how my FantasySportsLive teams were doing. Addiction, anyone? Two of my three fantasy teams completely blow. So that’s all I have to look forward to on Sundays. When does the NBA season begin?
~
Just got done reading the Sunday Tribune. The Cubs start the 2008 season in late March. In…wait for it… Chicago. Against…wait for it… the Milwaukee Brewers. Now, wouldn’t it make sense, to, you know, schedule the series in Milwaukee, where they can close the roof in case it’s a bit chilly out? How bad are the Bears that I’m already looking at the Cubs 2008 schedule? Fuck me.
~
I ordered anther glass of wine. The flight attendant asked, “Did you say that you wanted the bottle?” I can tell that we are gonna be friends.
~
Earlier today I used spare homebrew ingredients and pantry spices to whip together a holiday brew- it should come in around 6.1%. I added nutmeg, ginger, and cinnamon to the boil. A package of milling spices was added to primary fermentation. I have a feeling it’ll come up tasting too much like glug with carbonation. But, whatever. I’m not drinking it. Can you say, “nice, cheap holiday present?” If anyone has an interest in this concoction, drop me an email. Perhaps I’ll ship ya a bottle if it isn’t poisonous. Also, beware of cheesy, Christmas-y label.
~
Now fermenting in the basement: Holiday Brew, Pinot Noir, Red Pepper Red Ale, and an IPA. Next on deck? Chocolate Stout.

~
I’m not really looking forward to this bidness trip. This meeting, my Nordic-ass has to meet with a bunch of jackasses who I like to refer to as Deutchbanks. Last trip, I referred to someone as this term. He said, “what is that supposed to mean?” I replied, “Brother, it means that I think that you’re money.” Yeah. Money. You fucking Deutchbank.
~
Here’s what I’m up to the next four weeks: Germany, Miami, Tokyo, Singapore. I hate my law firm. You know it’s bad when I’ve gotten to know the flight attendants on some of these international flights. You know it’s really bad when none of them is even remotely attractive. As I typed this, one of them is pouring me another glass of wine.
~
“The Fantastic Four – something something of the Silver Surfer” is playing now. Jessica Alba with blonde hair and blue eyes. Fucking horrible. Is this really the same chick that I’ve used fifteen bottles of lotion on? Please don’t let her do this ever again.
~
I haven’t been to Germany in about two months. Usually, I’m there in late September for Oktoberfest, staring at the beautiful ladies with big boobies in dirndl. Instead, I went to Key West for Al’s birthday. I’m sure that you’ve read all the write-ups. And, obviously, I chose wisely. Gotdamm y’all are fun mofos.
~
I already miss my boy.
~
I requested the mushroom risotto and herb-rubbed chicken breast. The cart is five feet away. Let’s see what I get. My second choice was stuffed shells Florentine.
~
It’s the chicken. Break time!
~
JAlba just said, “I’m so hot for you right now.” I’m downloading that .wav file, and looping it every night this week.
~
I’m not a big risotto fan, but I love the way Giada says REE-SOE-TOE. If you haven’t seen “Everyday Italian” in HD, you’re really missing out. Also among my favorite HD shows is “Three Sheets” on Mojo. It’s about a cat who travels the globe experiencing local drinking customs. He’s been to Jamaica, Brussels, the Philippines (who the hell would voluntarily want to go there?), Germany (ugh), France, and Italy. There are others, but these are the only ones I can remember right now. But the big question is – HOW THE HELL DIDN’T I THINK ABOUT THIS MYSELF? This is what I do for a living peoples! Fuck Zane Lampley. Fuck him for being brighter than me.
~
I think I’m going to take pictures of people asleep on the plane. Let me get a few more drinks in me.
~
Charlize Theron is Esquire’s sexiest woman in 2007. There’s lotion in the bathroom. Do the math, people.
~
What’s the damn score of the Patriots-Cowboys game? Did the Patriots cover? Did I win both of the bets I played today? Did Stallworth catch any other TD passes? So many questions, so little lotion.
~
JAlba just let out a moan. She doesn't look so hot in the movie. But the audio? Priceless.
~
The Fantastic Four just ended. That leaves the ending of “Harry Potter and the Inappropriate Boner.” Pass.
~
Potential stripper on the flight. Or maybe she just got done diddling herself in the lavatory. She was wearing a fake Juicy tracksuit and smelled like strawberry lotion. Maybe I’ll send a complimentary glass of port her way and see if she’s up for a little sumpin’ sumpin’.
~
Who wants to sex the donkeypuncher???????
~
Wow. I’m drunk.
~
So drunk that I’m thinking of playing “NutzInButz” for everyone in rows 14 and 15 to see. You’re curious about “NutzInButz,” eh? First five people to send me an email with the subject, “Boo-Yah!” will get a nice link. The rest of you? Use your imagination.
~
Speaking of contests. How about this? First person to be within 2000 miles of my 2007 United Elite Qualifying Miles (through October 13, 2007) will receive a $7.27 transfer to their Full Tilt Account. One entry per reader. Competition ends Tuesday at noon, German time.
~
Dessert: Ice Cream and Port.
~
I think that 14E and F just met on the flight and are looking like Mile High Club candidates.
~
While waiting in line for the lavatory, I chatted up the flight attendants. Yeah, I have a small bladder. I’ve gone four times already. Fuck you.
Anyway, I brought up 14E and F, and was informed that the dude (14F) is a slow eater, and that 14E is his wife’s best friend. This just got interesting.
~
One of the flight attendants has a best friend whose husband was the Patriots strength coach, and has the Super Bowl rings to prove it. But the bitch couldn’t give me the Patriots-Cowboys score. At least she was average looking.
~
I’ve always had this fear that I would wake up mid-flight with my hand down my pants and everyone seated nearby staring at me. That’s not all of it. I was scared that there wouldn’t be anyone to relieve me of the pressure flowing from my epididimys (sp?) to my urethra.
~
Over Newfoundland - I’m passing out now. I heart Porto Sandeman.

I've only got one lock. It's the Chiefs to win (I got +125). I'm leaving on a flight to Germany shortly, and am not going to be able to watch much of the American Football.

Sign up already. What the fuck are you waiting for? The message below is from the good doctor, himself.



If you haven't figured it out yet, Sundays with Dr. Pauly is 10 week contest that I'm hosting over at Fantasy Sports Live. If you were hoping for a series of online poker tournaments, well you're shit out of luck. However, if you are a fantasy football junkie and would like a shot at playing against me along with winning some prizes in the process, then I encourage you to participate in Sundays with Dr. Pauly.

If you don't have a Fantasy Sports Live account, you can create an account here. My bonus code is Pauly and you will get a sign up bonus.

If you have been participating in the BFFB, the structure and format are very similar. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, please read on.

Here are the rules.

1. Sign up for an account, which you can fund with a credit card. Fantasy Sports Live is 100% legal and within the boundaries set forth by the UIGEA.

2. Weekly contests are $10. Total investment over the duration of Sundays with Dr. Pauly will be $100. We're starting at Week 6 and ending at Week 15.

3. Sign up for any contest that is listed as Sundays with Dr. Pauly. You will be setting up a fantasy football team consisting of a 1 QB, 3 WRs, 2 RBs, 1 TE, 1 K, and 1 D using a salary cap format.

4. Every week, sign up for a new contest and create a new team. You're competing against the players in your individual contest. The top 3 in each contest wins prize money (1st - $45, 2nd - $27, 3rd - $18). Places 4 thru 10 get zilch.

5. You are also competing against me even though I might be in a different contest. To make this fair, I'm only allowed one entry per week.

6. We will be tracking the overall progress of everyone who participates. The top 3 overall point winners over the duration of Sundays with Dr. Pauly will win prizes. See below.

Overall Prizes for Sundays with Dr. Pauly:
1st Place - $100 cash and $50 added to your FSL account
2nd Place - Any football themed DVD of your choice (e.g. Rudy, Any Given Sunday, Brian's Song)
3rd Place - a copy of Blind Side by Michael Lewis
4th Place - a phone call from Daddy

Bonus: If you get more points than me in three consecutive weeks, you win an entry into a season ending freeroll with $100 added to the overall prize pool.

That's it for now. Any questions about setting up an account at Fantasy Sports Live or how to play fantasy football? Shoot me an email.

Best of luck everyone. We will be posting updates of Sundays with Dr. Pauly here and over at Blinders blog.

We celebrated the boy's first birthday over the weekend.

Happy birthday son!

It's my fault that my beloved Cubbies got swept by Arizona. Sure, some hitting from Lee, Ramirez, and Soriano would have helped. But I can't help but feel some guilt.

I should have known better.

I should have taken advantage of my inability to select a winning team, and bet on Arizona.

Because you all know what would have happened if I had. Last night I wouldn't have been booing the players at Wrigley Field as the game ended. My brother, my friends, and I should have been in jumping for joy, pouring beers on each other.

But I choked. Didn't pull the trigger.

Of course, I did bet on Wisconsin against my Illini yesterday. I took the money line.

And the Illini killed'em. It was money I didn't mind losing.

See? It's my fault.

Wow. This week, Bracelet and I agreed on a whopping six games! That's six opportunities for you to fade our picks and make yourself some serious mobneys.

Here you go:
Saints -3
Lions +3.5
Steelers -6
Giants -3.5
Chargers +1
Packers -3 (This is our mega-lock of the century)

Our picks were 1-3 last week.

There are three continuous activities at gatherings like the one we had in Key West this past weekend. The first two are tilting (both tilting each other, and taking pleasure in another’s tilt) and prop betting. And of course, there’s drinking. I’m going to try to summarize the weekend - at least what I can remember - using these categories.

Drinking

• This will be short and sweet. A lot of alcohol was consumed by all. Shots of liquor. Jello shots. Beer. Strawberry daqueries. Margaritas. Plenty of tobacco and appetite enhancing products were ingested as well. The drinking of course spanned all other activities. And in the case of tilting and prop betting, augmented those pursuits. In this case, by “augment,” I really mean made those exploits even more ludicrous.

Tilting

• Getting my ass beat by my sister in law in front of my friends was really fun. Especially with my brother standing in the background with his Miyagi-grin the whole time. Good times.


• I got back at her by throwing up in her new BMW. Even better times.
  


• Bobby Bracelet, my brother, and I tortured Iggy and JoeSpeaker with a three hour car filled with nothing but rap music.


• At the same time, Bracelet and JoeSpeaker were tormented by my brother, Iggy, and I with nonstop fishing talk. Going forward, my brother will be referred to as MB.
  


• MB’s ride is a Honda Element. I sat in the front seat and watched the other three jam into the back, taking turns sitting on the cup holder in the middle section. More on this later.


• I got outslugged by both Drizz and the Bracelet at the Boxer game. Bracelet and the rest of the group flooded my cell phone with 623 text messages.


• After the Cubs clinched the division, MB and I sang “Go Cubs Go” and danced circles around StB. God, he took that much better than I would have.


• Bobby was rewarded by having numerous jello shots shoved down his mouth. Pablo was served with one as well. There are photos of these out there somewhere.


• Bracelet and I came up with a new game. It’s called “Rooster Block.” Every time Joaquin would hit on a lady, we would sidle up next to him and make some sort of ridiculous statement. For example, at the cowboy bar, Joaquin was hitting on the hot Spanish chick whose sole reason for being was to get people to sign the waiver for the mechanical bull. They were talking about restaurants in New York, and Joaquin mentioned his numerous hookups and ability to get reservations. I asked, “Can you get us into the TGI Friday’s on Broadway?” The hot chick was confused, while Joaquin shot me a look that said, “GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!”


• Then while Joaquin and MB initiated contact with a group of marine biologists, Bracelet asked them if they knew the way to properly prepare a dolphin (the mammal) before cooking it. It involved pummeling the dolphin without puncture it, as you don’t want to lose any of the sweet dolphin juice. The ladies were unimpressed and advised that doing this would likely result in a $35K fine.


• When Joaquin and one of the marine biologists stepped away, the Bracelet said to the rest, “Your friend knows to wear a condom, right?”


• At the country bar, there was a live performance by a band out of northern Florida. The lead singer was blatantly gay. And would frequently turn to the Bracelet, stare at him, and serenade him. Watching him cringe – priceless.


• There, of course, was a trip to a strip club of two. MB received ONE dance from some crazy blonde who immediately got nekid. Grubby had the same girl, and she didn’t drop her panties after three songs. It was 3AM on the street when Grubby was informed of this. He was so tilted that instead of heading back to his room, he went back to another strip club.


• My first lap dance from the weekend was not pleasurable. It was a “treat” from the Bracelet. Absolutely. Filthy. I just threw up in my mouth thinking about her.


• We stopped at Burger King en route back to Miami. For some reason, MB’s croissainwich didn’t have meat. We all kept reminding him how delicious our meat-filled sandwiches tasted. He got us back.


• MB had horrible gas for the first hour and a half. Just horrendous.


• We made MB stop at a gas station so he could drop a deuce and get rid of the foulness that was filling his gastrointestinal system. I used the gas station bathroom after him, and pissed into a clogged, soon to be overflowing toilet. JoeSpeaker was next in line. When I advised him of the toilet problems, he said, “AWWW FUCK.” Minutes later, he was plunging that toilet, in sandals, so that he could take a dump of his own. While dumping, a guy, who knew Speaker was in there, walked in on him twice. Fucking hilarious.


• Then Speaker made us listen to Iron Maiden. And sang along, played air guitar, and played air drums to it. It was my first time listening to Iron Maiden. Hopefully the last.


• When we arrived in Chicago, Grubby and I agreed to split a taxi. The only problem was the driver had no idea where he was going. We had to give him very detailed instructions. And he drove like a complete maniac. I hope that Grubby made it home alive after I was dropped off.

Prop Betting

• I losst my first prop bets of the weekend. No surprise. Bracelet beat me in an underwater swimming competition. And Speaker, the chain smoker, made it much farther than I thought he could. Damn him.


• Speaker already wrote about the Lazy-Boy prop bet. I didn’t get too many playable hands in the poker game. Luckily, I was seated next to Grubby – an action junkie. I lost my stack playing high card out of the muck at $15 a pop. But I also took quite a bit off Grubby betting flop colors, and my second favorite prop bet of the weekend. We had a wager on how long it would take for the Bracelet to finish his business in the bathroom. I had over one minute. When Bobby exited, it was 1:02. I won the bet by two seconds! And only because Bobby took stopped to send me a 623 text message.


• I made $80 on the turtle races. Turtle #3 won. Please note that I didn’t pick this turtle. It was the only one that hadn’t been selected.


• Iggy offered me $200 for the front seat on the return trip to Miami. I declined. Halfway through, he offered $100. I accepted, and had to sit in the crammed rear. Very glad I didn’t do the full ride.


• Took $15 to do the worm in a country bar.


• Rooster, Bracelet, MB and I placed prop bets based on the marine biologist chicks’ birthdates. Then we tried betting on their GPA’s (they were just out of college). These girls were so competitive that they didn’t want say what the GPA’s were. It’s not like we asked for their weights!


• And finally… At the strip club Saturday night, I noticed that a bachelorette party had strolled in. While chatting the ladies up, I offered to buy the bride to be a dance. Her friends said declined on her behalf, and dared me to give her one myself, and also donate my underwear. I dragged the bachelorette to a chair and gave her the best forty-five seconds of her life. I wandered into the bathroom to see Drizz washing his face. “Drizz, put your foot on the door, and don’t turn around.” You figure out what happened next.

You guys fade the picks that Bobby and I made last week? Did you think we were kidding?

If you did fade them, then you made you some scrilla. Yeah, you woulda gone 3-1.

So here's the deal. Send a $5 transfer to DonkeyPuncher74 at Full Tilt, and I'll send you the list of picks that the anti-luckboxes agreed upon for next weekend's games.

~

OK, I'm not completely unlucky. A few weeks ago I purchased Cubs NLDS game 3 tickets. Then the schedule came out. Unfortunately, the game is the same day as my son's first birthday. There are two games- one early, one late - so it was quite possible that I would have quite the decision to make. My boy's, my wingman's, party - something he wouldn't remember. That, versus the rare occurence of a Cubs home playoff game. Something I would remember for ages. But luckily I didn't have a decision to make (I woulda sold the tickets on eBay - I think) and the game is scheduled for 5pm on Saturday. Whew.

~

Coming soon...
Making money on Bobby Bracelet's urethra.

...my brain.
...my liver.
...my skin.

I'm back from the weekend in South Beach and Key West.

Many thanks to Al for hosting, and to the merry band of degenerate ass-hats for the laughs and good times.

Perhaps a drinking or strip club story or two to come out in the next few days. Including: "Hey Drizz, put your foot on that door and don't turn around."

~

Go Cubs!